Thursday, July 19, 2012

Lost in the Struggle

The desire to create is one of the deepest yearnings of the human soul. Dieter Uchtdorf
Lately I have been struggling a bit with direction.
Finding it. Sticking with it.
Being inspired.
You know the drill.
I am generally inspired by the Internet, blogs I read and Pinterest accounts and while that hasn't really changed.
There's something in me that maybe has?
I don't know.
I have been thinking more and more about writing seriously or attempting to apply for any type of online writing position as a potential free lance writer for a number of sites.
I get very excited about these things and then....somehow, someway, I drop the ball.
Perhaps I am sabotaging myself?
Perhaps I think I am not good enough?
That no one will hire me?
Or worse that no one will want to read what I have to say?  
Who am I to think that I should be getting paid to write in some way?
And then a little voice says....
"You do. You are just as good as all those other bloggers and "real writers" out there. You have just as many ideas and a unique perspective to lend."
But the other voice chimes in to say
"No.You must first establish a good following on your own blog."
So I get lost in the voices. (yes I have voices inside. don't you?)
I want to write.
I am compelled to write.
More importantly, I want to write from home.
At my own leisure.
 About topics I feel are interesting and important to women.
I want to write in my own voice- irreverent, a little bit sarcastic, sassy, full of humor and silliness.
But I am scared.
Word
There, I said it.
I am petrified of putting myself out there and getting rejected.
I know that's the only way I will get any opportunities is if I actually do put myself out there but the thought both frightens and excites me.
do-it-anyway
I want to.....but I am paralyzed by my own self doubt.
Terrible isn't it.
To have a dream and be afraid to pursue it?
It was the same with makeup artistry.
For years I really wanted to pursue it full time but I either felt like I was not good enough, lacked experience or just didn't have the confidence to put myself out there so I kept pushing it to the side.
These days, my confidence is there. I know that I have the skill.
I just need to continue to build the clientele.
So I'm working on that.
It's a labor of love.
Every time I make someone up my joy for it grows deeper still.
Ideally, I'd like to combine my love of makeup in with my love of writing but we'll see.
Clever Sayings Prints Uncovet
Right now, I just want to write about everyday life.
And not just here, but on a larger platform.
I want to write about all the things women think and do not say.
Tell the stories we're not supposed to tell and say all the things I shouldn't.
That's really who I am and what my voice is all about.
Tell the truth about being a wife, mother and entrepreneur.
Be honest and show my heart and feelings for all the world to see.
But will I have the courage to finally just apply and put it out there?????
That's where I'm stuck.
Between indecision and action.
For nothing is impossible with God."
My heart says choose action and throw caution to the wind......my head says be cautious.......you may get hurt.
I think I'm going to have to follow my heart on this one.
Really step out on faith and push the fears aside.
Throw caution to the wind and just pray.......
I love this

2 comments:

  1. I feel you right where you're at. You are not the only one there, I feel those exact same things every day. I'm gradually stepping out, but I'm still so unsure on what "stepping out" really means to me.

    Also, on an unrelated note, you should get on the Twitter because TWICE I have tried to tweet you and then been like "oh right, she doesn't have a twitter". :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Do it! I had those same feelings before opening up my business, and those feelings are completely normal. Just take a leap of faith, if it works great! If it doesn't, then at least you tried. But I think you'll be fine! I love reading your posts.

    ReplyDelete

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