Thursday, April 12, 2012

Transparent Thoughts

Next week Carson will be 2 months old.
Has it really been two months? it feels like two minutes.
We are completely enamored with this little man.
All three of us.
Sweet Pea loves her baby brother best of all and I am soaking that up.
Babe loves on him and it melts my heart to see them knocked out on the couch or making faces at each other.
I find myself cuddling & snuggling him at all hours of the day and can't get enough of his smell and sweet face.
But I will be honest - its still a struggle.
I am exhausted most days. Some are better than others and some days......well I look in the mirror and think "I look WHIPPED. I should do something about myself before my husband comes home!"
But then I don't because I'm too tired to go upstairs, dinner to start, and  laundry that needs to be done.....etc.etc.
On a good day I manage to shower and put on makeup and fix myself so that I feel good but on a bad day.....well let's just say that its not pretty.
And while I'm being totally honest - he's not a perfect 'quiet' baby who just sits and stares and coos.
He cries & wails and flails about. 
He fusses when he has gas( and sometimes for seemingly no reason at all) and its frustrating at times when he can't just "toot it out".
He has an umbilical hernia which is stressing me out to no end and just looks funny. It doesn't cause him any pain but its bothersome to me.
I can't say for certain that he is colicky as he doesn't "fit the guidelines" per se but he is nothing like my Sweet Pea was. 
Or perhaps he is and I just don't remember.
A lot of time has passed between her and him.
And if he is I'm praying it goes away as suddenly as it started.
I'm up all day and all night with him and it wears me down some days and my nerves are frayed.
Some days I feel as though I might be falling apart.
My doctor asked if I was suffering from any postpartum depression and my quick reply was "more like postpartum frustration!
I want to help him, fix him and make him be that 'perfect' baby. I want him to just be huggable and "easy".
 It seems that other new mamas have had it easier than I am and I sometimes wonder if I'm not being punished for some bad behaviour / snarky comments of some kind.
Yes, that's irrational but I'm tired so in my head it makes sense.
I do have help from family and a great group of friends to vent to but who can I call at 3am when my son is tired, whining and has blown out 3 diapers in 3 hours???
Last night was tough for me - I was already tired and somewhat cranky and he stayed up whining for about 2.5 hours after his 1am feeding and would not go to sleep.
My husband was snoring away and I did not want to wake him as he had already been up with him and still had to get up and go to work in the morning.
So I took him out of the room and padded down the hall and cried quietly in the dark in his room as I rocked and sang to him (note to self - you have terrible pitch).
I had hit my wall.
So I did what any sane person would do - I prayed.
For a while.
Prayed for my baby, for my husband, for my little girl, for my family, for me.
And then I cried some more.
And finally, finally, he dozed off and stayed that way.
My heart leaped.
I crawled into bed with my robe still wrapped around me and passed out for 3 blissful hours.
I only woke up because I desperately needed to pee (drinking a ton of water while nursing in the night will do that to ya).
No sooner than I had done that than he began to make noises again (how does he know I'm up???)
But it was okay - it was time to eat again anyway. So he did.
And then promptly pooped up a storm and fussed for a bit before dozing back off.
He woke shortly after and I snuggled him on my chest and we both fell asleep like that for another half an hour. 
It was a great half an hour.
In my mind I was like "I should work out really quickly while he's dozing. Or go eat breakfast" but instead I just cuddled my little man and slept for a little while longer.
I know in my heart that all too soon the bags of sleeplessness under my eyes will no longer be as prevalent and he will be more interested in trucks and 'things that go' than in spending time cuddled with his mama so I will enjoy it.
My work outs will still be there this evening, waiting for me just as patiently.
I may not have that extra boost of endorphins to get me through the day but I will definitely be tired enough to fall asleep promptly tonight.
And if not.....well, that's okay too.
I'm grateful that I have this outlet, this space on the web/blogosphere to get my thoughts out and to get feedback be it negative or positive but to at least get it out there.
We are not perfect.
We struggle and we have the same stresses as others.
I'm just choosing to share mine in hopes to find that I am not alone.

And I don't think that I am.


Or am I??


4 comments:

  1. My dear Amber,

    Every mother who ever existed had days and emotions and struggles like these ... you are certainly not alone. And the more you talk about it the better!

    Your hormones are still on fire, you are sleep deprived (which brings grown men to their knees) and you have to maintain daily life. It will take you at least another month before you feel 'normal' and in control of life again.

    I am not going to tell you to relax and let the laundry pile up or the dishes tip over in the sink ... each of us has our need for normalcy and it looks different for everyone.

    What I will challenge you with is this: Choose the TWO things that are most important to you and focus on getting those two things done EVERY day. A made bed? A shower and some makeup? Vacuuming? Whatever makes you feel like you accomplished something other than nursing and changing diapers. ;o)

    And in a week add a third things, and the next week add a fourth thing. Write them down and most it on a wall or door and check it off when they are done. Let yourself SEE you successes! Write everything down you do each day - just to show yourself that you ARE accomplishing something!

    Include hugs, kisses, a conversation with your daughter, a lunch you packed, a towel you folded, a TV show with your groom ...

    and remember - You were CHOSEN for this by a very Big God who knew you could handle all of this. And you are not doing it alone ... he is walking right beside you. So lean on Him! He will never let you fall.

    I am praying for you tonight.
    Michelle

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  2. You are definitely not alone! I remember the transition from 1 to 2 kids was super hard. And I'm super scared about #3 coming in a few weeks! Big hug to you and don't worry about exercise or laundry - just take care of yourself!

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  3. I remember such a short while ago the same feelings you are having. Gives me the chills thinking about those months with Kai. It is rough, challenging, tiring & just flat out wrong ;). Unlike you, I thought it would never end. Then he turned 1, in a blink of an eye, and I'd give anything for time to just stop.

    Thanks Ambs for being so honest with your feelings. Even on your bad days your accomplishing more than ever, taking care of that lil man is no easy task! My love, Elisa

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  4. If you haven't already done so, cut dairy from your diet. this might stop the baby's colic. If you have taken dairy off the menu, start of food list of what you're eating and see what food are causing his discomfort. Food allergies are very common in newborns

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