A bit scattered
Today is kind of a blah day. It's a little bit rainy but the sun keeps peeking out to brighten up the afternoon and my mind is all over the place.
We're smack dab in the middle of Sweet Pea's spring break which has been a much needed reprieve for me. She's off visiting her aunts and cousins in the valley so it's just been Babe,Baby Ninja and I. I miss her but I know she needed a break from us and some time with her extended family.
We're working on getting Ninja boy on a better sleeping schedule so this week has been a bit of a struggle.
I've also begun stepping up my workouts and am desperate to squeeze one or two in each day as well as a shower. (dreaming big I know)
The Ninja being up all night is not beneficial to this desire of mine but I am powering through. I see a change in my body already since beginning my workouts last week and for that I am grateful but I know I still have a ways to go before I'm at my "ideal" place. Its become apparent that it's not really about toning at this point and more about actually losing weight (gulp) so I am struggling with reigning in my eating habits (5 oreos a day + a danish + snacks + meals is not going to cut it) without chastising myself too much.
I have never been a big dieter or very good and restricting my foods so I am just trying to make sure I keep a variety of healthier snack options available and try to resist all the yummies that seem to find there way into my home.
At the same time I try not to totally restrict myself so everything in moderation.
The past two weeks (really the past seven) have been an exercise in my ability to relax , let go and let God. With this baby I've been a lot more lax about trying to do everything myself and being so "perfect". When I had Sweet Pea I was so young (22) that I found myself trying to prove to everyone that I could manage just fine. I pushed myself to be perfect and on top of everything at all times.
I failed miserably and would often cry when I had a moment to myself because I was wound so tight all the time.
With this little guy, I've had to let go of the fact that my house will be a semi-disaster until we can establish a better routine and I can work out some kind of cleaning schedule. I've also been okay with not 'being a rock star' every single day. Some days are better than others and I can accomplish a ton while others......well I'm just lucky if I've gotten a shower let alone brushed my hair.
As hard as it is for me, I've had to forgo having my bed made every single day. If it happens great, if not....it's not the end of the world.
Its kind of nice to see how I've grown in the last 10 years. However, I do have days when I feel like I'm not enough or I'm not doing enough. I'm sure it has to do with how pervasive social media is in my (most mothers) life. There is always someone out there in the Interweb that is doing it better, trendier and more fabulously than you are.
It can be quite detrimental to one's self esteem. But I am learning (daily) that it's not about what others are doing. It's really about finding my own voice, my own style and making my own way. I'm a work in progress on that front but its getting there.
I want to continue to be inspired by what is out there without being overwhelmed by it and not compare myself to others.
I know I am exactly where I am supposed to be.
In the season I am supposed to be in, exactly as God intended.
It's taken a while to be okay with that and know that we are progressing slowly but surely to our end goal but fortunately I have a great support system and am encouraged constantly to keep up the good work and stay positive.
And in the end, really, that's all I can ask for
I realize this was a completely random post and all over the place but bear with me as this is what my mind is like today.