Thursday, September 9, 2010

honest fear

****addendum*****
this post was actually written months ago but was hiding in my drafts and I finally let it out......


My wheels are turning.
My friend Rachel posted this and this in the last few days and then my girl Amber posted this
and my too cute supervisor at work is 8 months gone (and still working y'all!)
and all of it has gotten me to thinking........
well even more so.....
about my own birth/pregnancy/child -wanting experience/ situation.
If you've been reading this blog at all you know that I have an 8 year old little girl.
You also know that I hit the big 3-0 last year and am getting married this summer.
Yeah it's a little backwards I know but work with me will ya?
Ever since Babe and I got back together and engaged we have been hit with the same question over and over:
"when are you having another baby"
or 
"do you want any more kids?"
and from some of my sick humored friends
"you need to have another baby asap so D (Babe) can get his boy. i think you're going to get pregnant on your honeymoon"
[ yeah I'm talking about YOU Ebony!!! hahaha!]
 all jokes aside this is a tricky subject.
because I LOVE my kid.
She is my everything and I have no idea who I would be without her.
However this path we're on has not been easy.
I was 22 when I found out I was pregnant.
In college, no job and no real drive to do much of anything except get to the 'next level' whatever that was.
so  it wasn't a planned pregnancy but not at all surprising when we found out.
I remember telling Babe and him looking stunned and then he quickly re-grouped and said
"whatever YOU want to do I'm here"
in that short sentence I knew he was IT.
but I was SCARED.
of telling my parents
of becoming a parent
of being pregnant
of not being the 'same person I was before'
of EVERYTHING that can go wrong.
Have I mentioned that my Dad is an OBGYN?
Yeah I have/had insider information and knew all the risks and complications.
I was beyond well informed and I was still petrified.
Then there was the 'family situation' as I like to refer to it.
Meaning - no one in MY family was really pleased that I was having a baby out of wedlock.
Not at all.
My mother was very upset.
My dad more nonchalant
My brother - didn't even have words
My Grandma - disappointed but said she loved me and would support me no matter what (gosh I miss her!)
But for a long time it was a taboo topic.
I was pretty much persona non-grata for a long time.
And that was DEVASTATING to me.
My emotions were in hyper drive and this 'rift' was only making matters worse.
I was a mess.........
My mother and I's relationship was fractured for quite some time

And then there was Babe's family who welcomed me with open arms.
They were so excited for this baby!!
which was SUCH a blessing and a relief!!!
His mother and sisters opened their hearts and their homes to us and we are forever grateful.
A few days after my first ultra-sound was September 11th, 2001.
As I sat there in shock watching the towers fall I remember the very real sense of sheer PANIC  I felt.
How can we bring a child into the world when all this is happening?
Never-the-less , a few short months later Sweet Pea came into the world safe and sound.
But the whole pregnancy experience left me a little.......shall we say "turned off" to the idea of having more kids.
It didn't help that I had to be induced due to low fetal heart rate and lack of movement.
The progress was slow and scary.
It was - to say the least- the longest, strangest, scariest yet happiest day of my life.
So like my friend Rachel, I didn't give 'birth' to my daughter.
Instead I was cut open and she was pulled to safety.
I am grateful to the doctors and nurses who worked with us and were patient with all our questions and 'needs'. 
I am grateful that my baby was delivered intact with no further complications.
but the recovery time was hard.  
and I was tired a lot.
Fast forward a few years and now I'm in a much better place mentally, emotionally, financially.......all of that.
So why am I so afraid to have another baby?
I do like babies.
I don't necessarily like ALL kids......
(let's be honest some are just not likable)
but the majority , I'm okay with.
And my 'kid comfort' level has gone up since having Sweets but there is something in the back of my head, a niggling little whisper that says......NO!
whenever anyone asks if we want more.
There is a part of me that wants another baby.
To see if Sweet Pea was just a fluke and the next kid is a terror 
(this is also what frightens me).
And then there is the part of me that wonders how Sweets would react to a sibling at this age.
I would never want to take time away from her and feel as though we don't always get to maximize the time we have now.........can't imagine what a baby would do to this equation.
so here I am - caught between my Sweets, a snuggling beebs and the rational part of my brain
Add to that the 3 close friends who have all been pregnant in the last 4 years and have had some kind of wicked complication ranging from:
 a baby being whisked off to the NICU, serious fainting & dizzy spells for the majority of the pregnancy, cysts on the ovaries and miscarriages.
so yes I am afraid.
but I am also hopeful that by addressing my fears head on and praying about them that the Lord will assuage my mind and move me into a place of peace.
so while my current philosophy is
"if we are blessed enough to become pregnant then that is God's will but if not......."
I don't know that we will be actively trying after we get married or if we will just make the decision to be one child parents.
but I do know that Babe and God are on my side, supporting me and whatever I want to do 100% 
that gives me hope and helps the fear to wash away.......





1 comment:

  1. Hey Love! I know the nagging question well and our answer seems to continually shock people. "You want to wait HOW long?" "Don't you know that the older you get the RISKIER it is?" "Well, if you want more than one, you should get started right away because you're running out of time." I'm 28 years old. WTF. I only want 2 kids tops and I would like to have a little alone time with my husband before I start popping out babies...what's so wrong about that? I find it so interesting that everyone has an opinion on decisions as personal and important as having children, and when and how and and and...

    For the record, I'm on your side too! I've seen that you're a rad mom and I'm sure the wisdom you've learned with SweetPea would surely benefit another child. But, you have a wonderful family and there's nothing wrong with only having one child. I'm happy for you and supportive no matter what you choose to do with your lady parts : )

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