finding a way - or making one

 This is pretty much how I've been looking/feeling all week long.
Caught some kind of cold over the weekend and have been trying to 'recover' ever since.
Top that with being a mom, working full time and planning a wedding and feeling some kinda way........
and yeah.
I'm in kind of a weird place.
As I posted here - I have been toying with the idea of keeping this whole wedding train going even after we get back from the honeymoon.
I really want to help other women bring their vision's to life on their special day.
It's something that I have been interested in for awhile but I am somewhat questioning/doubting if I /we can pull this off and kind of have no idea where to begin.
My friend Rachel posted this lovely gem yesterday and it really hit home.
I read it and was convicted.
Sometimes  I am my own worst enemy.
More often than not when it comes to something that I really feel passionate about.
Writing that book , being a full time make-up artist, starting my own business - anything that I am dreaming about doing ; I panic.
I find all kinds of reasons why I shouldn't, why it won't work and how I can't possibly take on yet 'one more thing'.
and the truth is: I'm petrified.
of failing.
of succeeding.
and then  sometimes I meet women who are my age or younger who have done it,
are doing it and succeeding.
And I am envious. 
And wonder why not me?
How do I get there?
I don't begrudge anyone success. 
I am truly happy for all of my friends and colleagues who get that job in the field of their dreams or follow their passion and start that business.
I am envious because I don't (seemingly) have the guts to go after what I want.

It's funny because it's not a matter of 'well how will Babe feel about this' he has already told me - on numerous occasions - to just follow my heart and my dreams.
but I always take the 'easy' way out and skirt around the situation.
Avoidance tactics if you will.

But I can't hide any longer.
In fact - I don't WANT to.
I am really inspired lately to get out there and just. do. it. (thanks Nike)
but for serious though.
I want to write and publish a book. 
Not just compile the blog into one - but truly tell a story in full prose.
even if no one reads it.
so I have made myself a promise - as soon as I get done w/ all the wedding hoopla 
I WILL pursue my interests in greater detail.
I WILL create a plan and stick to it.

Watch out y'all........
I just may shock you


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