Wednesday, May 5, 2010

doing without

i got a text from my uncle this morning.
now he's pretty funny + sarcastic 90% of the time so he's my kind of person
but his text really made me think
He said: "what am I going to do on Sunday and who with?"
and instantly my shroud of grief came back over me
this is the first mothers day without his beloved mother.
yikes.
the first time in years that I can't call my gramma and tell her 'thank you' for being an amazing matriarch and mothering ME as well as raising my mom, aunts and uncles.
the first time I won't hear her laugh on the other end as Sweet Pea recounts the events of her week.
and it hurts.
bad.
And then I think of my aunts, uncles and my mother - how they must be feeling and what is going through their minds.
I cannot really fathom that kind of emotion.
(and to be honest I don't really want to - this is hard enough)
But I can (and do) pray for them and their hearts - that they may heal, and the wound becomes less painful over time.
(your scars are evidence your wounds have healed)
Especially this weekend.
I know grief is like an ocean - it ebbs and flows like the tide.
Some days are better than others and lately those better days have been more and more
but there is still a sadness there.
an emptiness that something/someone is missing from this life.
and while I know she is in a better place,surrounded by those she loved who had gone before her,
I still wish she was here with us.
How can I not?
I'm getting married in a few short months and it was my intention and my dream to have my Gramma front and center for that blessed event.
I envision her smile as I walk down the aisle and hear her laugh as Babe and I 'jump the broom'.
I want to feel her arms around me when its all over and tells me "you did good".
But I can't.
and she won't be there.
Not in the physical sense.
BUT
I know she will be watching over me - as she always has, in life and in death.
My  guardian angel.
Always looking out, praying  for me and believing in me.
I love you Gramma!!!
***********************************************
To my mother, my aunts ( Sylvia, Rosemary, Sheila and Debbie) my uncles (Earl, Major and Danny)
my cousins ( Damon, Deon, Noelle and Erin)
and my brother (Jason) -
this will be the hardest year for us.
Things that we are used to are no longer
but as long as we have each other and we stay a family in the way our matriarch would have wanted I have no doubt that we will get through.
When your days are dark and the light on the other end seems too far - reach out and we will be there.
we are a family and it is now up to us to maintain that bond.
Please always remember that you are never alone so long as we are alive.
I love you all dearly and wish you all a wonderful weekend full of warm memories of your mother, our grandmother.
Remember who she was, what she meant , to all of us as a whole and to the world.
A true Proverbs 31 woman.

1 comment:

  1. I still miss my Grandpa and cry that he never got to meet my husband and see the person I have become. He died when I was in 4th grade, and he was my best friend. We are so blessed to have the opportunity to have known such amazing people and have had the opportunity to be related to them. *hugs* love you girl!

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