Friday, March 19, 2010

good grief

I have been going through some things lately.
Feeling some kind of way.
I realize that grief is a process and I am slowly healing from the loss of our family matriarch
but some days are better than others.
the last few days have been particularly tough.
I can be sitting at work, on the train or cooking dinner and will be hit with a memory or thought and suddenly a wave of emotion washes over me.
and I have been pushing it away.
trying to recover quickly and move forward
because I want to heal and process and I have such a short attention span -
I want to deal and move on.
but that's not happening
Everyday is a struggle to keep my emotions in check.
They say that there are 5 stages of grief:
  • Denial: “This can’t be happening to me.”
  • Anger:Why is this happening? Who is to blame?”
  • Bargaining: “Make this not happen, and in return I will ____.”
  • Depression: “I’m too sad to do anything.”
  • Acceptance: “I’m at peace with what happened.”
And I have definitely experienced most of those.

I have accepted that she's gone.
It's just hard to reconcile what I know with what I feel
I know in my heart I cannot pick up the phone to tell her how excited I am about my dress or how Sweet Pea looked when she blew out her candles.
But my heart still feels like she is here and wants to call.
I won't delete her info out of my phone book and it's like a sharp pain every time I scroll through and come across her entry.
Last night I had the pleasure of chatting with one of my Aunts who lives in Hawaii and she had nothing but encouraging words for me.
So what I needed to hear.
Basically she was reminding me that I need to let myself feel.
To not hide or run from the pain but to really let the emotions happen.
Be in the moment and just 'cry it out' if necessary.
She reminded me that even though I may feel like I "don't have time for the emotional break down" it will be beneficial in the long run.
And I am inclined to agree.
She reminded me that at the end of the day what was really important was that we remain in tact as a family and continue to love and support each other w
this process is taking a toll on me - physically, emotionally and mentally.
I have got to let it happen and stop fighting it.
I was speaking to another one of my Aunts over the weekend and she ordered me a book
"Healing after Loss" or something to that affect a daily devotional for those who have lost a loved one and I really can't wait for it to get here.
I think it will be rather helpful to me.
I am feeling all kinds of out of sorts and really want to get back to 
'feeling like myself'
If that makes any sense.
so if you happen to see or call me and I don't appear to be my usual bubbly and upbeat self
or if we're hanging out and I appear to have 'spaced out'
just understand "it's not you. It's me"
(seriously though)
And I just need some time to deal with this thing called grief......


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