true confession tuesday......

I am a somewhat reluctant SAHM

Here's my story:
At the present moment, I am a stay- at-home-mom.

To a seven year old.
Let the snickering and eye-rolling begin.
I know how some women respond to that statement so lets get it over with and move on.

Simply because it's not the same as having a toddler at home and needing to be at home for them.
However, this was not always the case. Nor was it the plan.
Once upon a time, I had a job. And I quit. Of my own free will.
But let me start at the beginning.
When we first had Sweet Pea and moved home my dear boyfriend (Babe) informed me that I didn't have to work if I didn't want to, and that my job was just to take care of the kid.
Sounds FAB right? At 23 it kind of was.
So okay we did that for awhile.
But I was young, restless and trying to "find myself".
We broke up and subsequently I moved in with my mother, who did not share Babe's philosophy of me not working.
Once my kid turned two, I promptly began looking for a job and enrolled her in daycare.
I wasn't totally happy about the situation but my creativity on keeping us busy had run out.
And let's face it, I needed the money.
Not too mention socializing with people my own age or at least outside my "inner circle".
So I found a wonderful little job working "part-time" 9a.m. - 2p.m. and I also went back to school.
Somewhere along the way I discovered that if I worked more hours I would get paid more money.
Novel concept right?
So I did. Monday through Friday and a few Saturdays each month.
I realized there was no way to grow there and wanted to make even more money still so I looked for another job. And I got one.
I really enjoyed it. And I was GOOD at.
This lasted for about 2 years.
And I became restless again.
Work was fun but not really what I wanted for my career.
So,I decided to pursue my Beauty dreams and go to FIDM.
Meanwhile Babe and I got back together.
I quit my job.
went to school full time and was "just a mom" full time as well.
And that was awesome. (And a whole other post.)
Fast forward approximately 2 years and I am back at square one.
Not working and staying at home taking care of Sweet Pea and handling my "housewifely" duties.
This is not the way it was supposed to go.
I was supposed to land a full time job from my internship and graduate.
If that didn't happen then I was going to stumble upon a job right after graduation.
None of that happened.
I have spent the last 6 months searching for employment.
It has NOT been easy.
It is frustrating, time consuming and disheartening.
There are times when I feel like a complete failure as others around me obtain jobs in our industry and I continue to plug away at home doing "nothing" and resigning myself to the role of the "happy housewife".
Often times I am discouraged in my pursuit. Will it ever happen for me?
But God has a way of working things out.
I know He has a greater plan for me.
By trying to make my own plans and failing at them epically has made me realize that I need to slow down and just be "silent and still".
Which, if you know me, is next to impossible for me.
I like to DO.
So I make my housework my "job" and Sweet Pea my career.
While there is much work to be done around here, I can't help but miss that other part of me.
That hustle and bustle side that likes to "get 'er done"!!!
I know it is necessary for me to get my house in order, and then I will find some level of "success" (whatever that means) in whatever field I choose.
So until then.....maybe being a stay - at - home mom isn't so bad....... at least there's lots of snacks at work!!!


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